Let's be real: who's put off booking a hotel because you think it's worth saving for your honeymoon swoon season? If we had a penny for every time friends claimed they were holding out on a splash-out stay for their (not yet planned) post-nuptials escape, we'd be heading on a permanent holiday to this exclusive St Lucia hotel.
But - take it from us - you don't need a marriage certificate to enjoy Jade Mountain. Striking, futuristic and pioneering in its approach to sustainable hospitality, this hotel holds an appeal for more than just lovebirds.
Occupying the tropical hillside above the fishing town of Soufrière, across the bay from the famous Pitons volcanic peaks, the hotel promises spectacular views and secluded sanctuary among the waxy leaves of the island's milkwood trees. The property's space-age design took 25 years to formulate: architect Nick Troubetzkoy started planning the property in 1975, beginning with an innovative irrigation system, and the final, individually made glass tile was laid in 2006.
The result? A curvaceous, brutalist, wood-shuttered behemoth. Let's call it the Barbican jungle edition - a futuristic, bridge-connected structure that's softened in character by the 242 hectares of lush tropical foliage surrounding it.
In the 29 singular suites, each with a private infinity pool, dedicated butler and guaranteed views of the famous Pitons, days pass in indulgent seclusion. Whether you have a ring on your finger or not.
One of the infinity pools, left, and the beach below the resort.
All 29 are open to the elements, with suite categories named after celestial bodies. We found ourselves in a Galaxy one, with two open walls, a super-sized bathtub overlooking the Pitons and an infinity pool offering the same view. Despite the fierce architecture, interiors are soft, welcoming and warm, and feature locally carved wood furnishings.
Beds are four-poster and - given the open-air nature of the architecture - draped in a cloud of mosquito nets. You'll also find bug spray and sleeping masks to hand, as well as ear plugs, in case the lullaby of frogs and native birds doesn't prove quite as soporific as you'd hoped it would.
Each room is serviced by your very own majordomo (butler), who is happy to assist in ensuring the Edenic escape lives up to expectations. A bath filled with rose petals? It just takes one phone call.
What's for breakfast?
Short answer: anything you like. Simply tap your order into the in-room iPad and a tray will be delivered to your room, at whatever time you choose. We opted for a post-gym refuel (yes, we're that kind of couple) and scoffed pepper-, onion- and mushroom-stuffed omelettes, slurped fresh smoothies and rounded it all off with the most additive coconut bread we've ever laid our sticky fingers on.
How about lunch and dinner?
You have options. There's the fine-dining, open-air Jade restaurant, at the top of the hotel; the more casual Treehouse, a beachside eatery where you can feast on Caribbean flavours with your toes in the sand; and a daytime burger bar that serves up - hands down - the best grilled patties on the island, and which you can walk, swim or take a speedboat shuttle to.
If you fancy an afternoon graze, don't miss the bento boxes that appear in your suite's fridge every day (and that make for an excellent snack-box-reveal series on TikTok). Highlights include chicken satay with peanut dipping sauce, scallop ceviche and a rotating selection of chocolate desserts made in the on-site chocolate lab.
Piton pool views from a "sanctuary" bedroom suite.
Is there a bar?
Head to the Celestial Terrace for sunset drinks.
Sanctuary isn't a term we use lightly, but Jade Mountain's open-air rooms earn the accolade - and that makes them difficult to leave. If you can pull yourself away, take a walk down to the grey volcanic sand beach to find a gallery showcasing works by local artists and a scuba-diving centre.
Elsewhere in the resort, there's a gym, tennis courts, hiking trail heads and a cycling centre - pedal the paths around the grounds for a history tour of the original plantation buildings.
Guests are invited to try their hand in the chocolate lab and cookery classes are also on offer.
How about the green credentials?
Green initiatives here are pioneering. When the resort first opened, it was way ahead of its time. The site has a sophisticated - and sustainable - irrigation system designed by Troubetzkoy more than 20 years before construction on the property started.
Food is grown at the on-site organic farm and orchard. Most of the 500 team members employed by the hotel are locals.
What about accessibility?
The Troubetzkoys move heaven and earth to accommodate guests. While the hotel's vertical, cliff-edge location isn't ideal for mobility access, a quick email in advance will ensure that anything that can be done to improve your experience will be done. Once, a suite was adapted to ensure the comfort of a visually impaired guest, only for the owners to find out, at the end of the guest's stay, that it was the woman's beloved canine companion that was blind, not the guest. Regardless, they'll always go the extra mile.
What's the crowd?
Honeymooners, predominantly. Or couples who fell in love here - under the spell of the cook's coconut bread, no doubt - and have returned year in, year out ever since. No kids allowed.
How do I get there?
British Airways flies direct to St Lucia's Hewanorra International. From there, Jade Mountain is just under an hour by car (or six minutes in a helicopter, landing at the island's only private hotel helipad).
Make sure to nab the window seat on the flight out for cinematic views of the Pitons and the island's clustered, pastel-hued homes - they crop up like Polly Pocket towns on approach.
Things I should know
Prepare to get well acquainted with your travelling companion. Although this heavenly resort exudes romance, all the suite bathrooms (including the loo) are open to the elements, which means no privacy. Hot tip: for those wishing to keep some things a secret from their other halves, there are bathrooms in the gym and two in the restaurant. You're welcome.
Within a short walk I can find
We reckon your majordomo would carry you if you asked nicely, but that aside, Anse La Raye and neighbouring town Soufrière await exploration. There, you'll find beach clubs - more rustic than nouveau riche - that get lively from Thursday. Locals call it going for a lime.