We couldn't write this list without including the benchmark - the least-private private club on this list. If you've not fought tooth and nail for a candy-striped pool lounger at the Shoreditch outpost of this world-spanning club, can you even call yourself a London creative? Founded in 1995, the original Greek Street address has become the membership du jour for the capital's cool crowd. Breakfast meeting in town? We'll bet our Every House membership it's eggs benedict at the Dean Street garrison. Dinner date? It can only be the lobster spaghetti with a large glass of gavi at White City's Club Cecconi. And the best bit? This is a membership that travels well, with close-to-the-city outposts for weekends away and slick properties parachuted into sun-soaked destinations from Bali to Barcelona, plus soon-to-open spots in Miami, Bangkok and more. Sure, some say the yes list is a touch too long nowadays, but if you're wanting easy access to London's in-crowd, you know where to find it. Plus, the distinctive House design always gets our vote.

What it costs: Annual Local House membership costs from £550, plus a £300 introduction fee. Every House membership costs from £2,500. Soho Friends starts from £100 per year and offers access to bedrooms, studios and events (but not houses).

A word of warning: head into the art deco elegance of the six-storey Mortimer House without a MacBook tucked under your arm and you'll get serious FOMO. This Fitzrovia spot is geared towards the modern worker, with contemporary workspaces, private studies and individual desks all on offer for hatching burgeoning business plans. It's not all work and no play, though: stretch your legs with a free barre class at the fully equipped, 24-hour gym, then sign up for some of the club's mind-expanding sessions (journalling introductions, cultural discussions and summer parties on the fairy-lit rooftop included). Restaurant-wise, you can enjoy lunch al-desko by ordering from a delivered-to-you menu spanning the Med to the Middle East, or head downstairs to the neighbourhood bistro for caprese salad, watercress risotto and fennel-infused sea bass. Next time you need us for a business meeting? Let's do it here.

What it costs: Membership costs £80 per month, plus a £250 joining fee. Workspace membership starts from £200 per month.

The founding ethos of this Covent Garden collective is an antithesis to old-school private clubs. Members of The Conduit have to be game changers who want to join a community of like-minded individuals seeking solutions to pressing global issues (if you're here for a good time, you might want to head to Soho instead). The intellectual slant plays out in what's on offer across all six floors of the sustainable space: there are two restaurants, whose menus are 75 per cent vegetarian, a bookshop and a podcast studio, plus a seriously packed rota of fireside chats, panel discussions and workshops (past guests have included Christiane Amanpour and Al Gore).

What it costs: Annual membership costs from £1,800, plus a £700 joining fee.

The membership card to this City-based club offers access-all-areas privileges across the sexy, sophisticated stay housed in a former bank. Ascend to the members-only rooftop space to dip into the heated pool, take in some late-night live music at the subterranean bar located in an original bank vault or find middle ground at the gym and spa. Membership grants you discounts to the ground-floor restaurants from Monday to Wednesday, and you'll get member rates on the decadent hotel bedrooms.

What it costs: Annual membership costs from £2,200. A truncated membership, which offers access to some of the club's restaurants and bars, plus events, costs £250 annually.

If you're on the dancefloor of this ultra-exclusive Mayfair hangout, chances are you'll be hip-grinding with royalty. The legendary club was one of the first to offer an alternative to the po-faced grandeur of the St James' old guard and it has been pulling in the baby-faced blue-blooded ever since. Opened in 1963 by Old Etonian Mark Birley, a recent ownership switch saw £65 million splurged on a psychedelic renovation of the current Berkeley Square townhouse location, dressing restaurants, bars and the infamous subterranean nightclub in eclectic, exotic interiors - think baby-pink, shell-shaped vanities, jungle-print wallpaper, clashing patterns and enough chintz to furnish a small castle (something we assume most members likely own). We're not sure we'll ever make it inside without an honorary title before our name, but we can dream.

The damage: If you get past the preposterous proposal scheme, you'll be waving goodbye to £3,250 per year, plus a £1,750 joining fee.

Calling all culotte-wearing, Guardian-flicking literary luvvies. Created by a group of women publishers in the 1980s as a refuge from the male-dominated mess of their business, this maverick matriarchs' club is a vital chamber of London's bohemian heart. Open to creatively careered men and women (though you'll need to be proposed and seconded by two current members), access to the club's art-hung first-floor dining room, low-key, low-lit bedrooms and refined atmosphere are basically a sign that you've made it in the media and entertainment businesses. Known members of "the Grouch" include hedonistic 90s high-flyers Mark Ronson, Lily Allen and Kate Moss. A change of ownership in August has seen the new proprietors propose enticing in some young blood, so there's no better time to try your luck than now.

The damage: Annual membership costs from £500, plus a £250 joining fee.

A labyrinth-like cluster of rooms sprouting from Camden's coolest music venue, The House of Koko only opened in April and it's already sent vibrations through the city. A £70 million refurbishment of the legendary theatre (we're talking a space where David Bowie, Amy Winehouse and Dua Lipa have all performed) has seen the addition of a quartz-lined cocktail lounge, private dining rooms, vinyl-clad listening booths, a piano room and state-of-the-art radio station, plus dazzlingly designed lounge spaces, all distinctly 70s-inspired in design (and with insane sound systems, too). Throw in the Bob Dylan artworks on the walls, a seductive speakeasy, moody jazz club and exclusive members' access to late-night acoustic performances and you have what is probably London's edgiest club right now.

What it costs: Annual membership costs £1,500, plus a £250 joining fee.

A London club bringing fresh-faced youth back to Mayfair's silver-haired streets. Despite its grand, grey Portland stone facade, this Grosvenor Square hideaway offers a new take on tradition. Conceived by Navid Mirtorabi and Jamie Reuben, The Twenty Two aims to be a little less formal, and a little more accessible than former stuffy Mayfair private spaces. Maximalist interiors lean into the old-world heritage of the Edwardian property, pairing Mario Testino cool with 1920s good times, while a powder-blue painted restaurant offers sharp British fare, plus a touch of Med sunshine. Members have access to four exclusive spaces (shared with hotel guests). Our favourite is The Music Room - a leopard-print-carpeted, moodily lit discotheque downstairs.

What it costs: POA (eek)